Hi, I’m Allison, and I’ve been clumsy and awkward my entire life.
Case in point: I just asked Husband if I should title this post “awkward clumsiness” or “clumsy awkwardness” and he said “I think ‘clumsy awkwardness’ describes you better.”
No argument that I’m not, in fact, clumsy OR awkward. No insistence that I’m actually full of grace. I mean, on our first date, I fell off a bouldering wall, and on our second, I tripped on the dirt on the trail, so…
Anyway. Here, I present a summary of Allison’s Most Clumsy + Awkward Moments
// That Time I Tried to be Cool in High School
I had just got my license and was still getting comfortable with the clutch in my dad’s Camry. I was driving past the home of a guy from school, and he and a bunch of other guys (including the one I had a monster crush on) were out front. I thought I’d be cool and honk and wave as I passed — unfortunately, I was also coming out of a turn and had to shift from second to third. And that…didn’t go well. I managed to avoid stalling…barely.
// That Time My Dancing was Compared to a Seizure
I was at a party, and may have had a lot to drink, and was dancing with a guy, and, and I’m a white girl with barely any rhythm, and later found out that people were watching and comparing us to “independent seizures.”
// All the Times I Forget That I’m Not Invisible or Silent When Driving
See above about the “barely any rhythm.
// Almost every time I got dressed in junior and high school
I just…I can’t…well, there’s a really good reason why I’m not a fashion blogger.
// The Time I Went to the Chris Guillebeau Book Signing and Babbled Like an Idiot
Like, a complete and utter moron. I’m trying to black out our “conversation” while he was signing my book.
// Every Time I Try to Catch a Baseball, Apparently
Last year, Husband and I joined a rec softball team, and a few days before our first game, we got together for a practice — partly because we only knew, like, two people on the team at the time. I really shouldn’t be allowed on a field, period, so I was quickly relegated to outfield where I can do the least damage. They were hitting pop-ups and I trying really hard not to make a complete fool of myself. Later, Husband told me, “I say this with love, but sometimes, you look really awkward when you catch the ball.” I replied, “That’s me trying not to get hit in the face.” Or making my best Hunter Pence impression…
// That Time I Had to Carry Dilapidated, Spider-Infested Boxes
So we made our own centerpieces for our wedding by cutting the bottoms off wine bottles and placing the tops over candles — it was our major DIY project (inspired by this pin). And for over a year now we’ve had these boxes of cut bottles on our back patio, and I finally found a local Etsy shop that accepted them as a materials donation. And yesterday I had to haul the boxes to her workshop and realized that both, but especially one, was literally falling apart and probably full of spiders just waiting to bite me. So I dragged the box down the hall (otherwise the bottom probably would have fallen out and I’d have broken glass all over the hallway), left it next to the closest empty parking space, and drove my truck across the street so I just had to lift the box into the bed. Style points? None. But did I transport the bottles safely and bite-free? HELL YES.
// Literally Every Time I Have to Interact with Strangers
It’s just not one of my strengths.
So, please, share your most awkward or clumsy moments and make me feel better about myself.
photo credit: Frank Crisanti