On Trusting the Processfeatured

On Trusting the Process {the ponytail diaries}

I don’t like to talk about religion here, but I’m gonna do that really quickly right now. Okay? Okay.

For a short time, in college, I started going to a Christian church, that, if I remember right, was just generally “Christian,” not Lutheran or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever. It was cool for awhile, so different than the Catholic Masses I grew up with. Ultimately not right for me, but in a lot of ways, it offered something I needed at that time.

There was one sermon — I forget the actual content — that left me with this total sense of peace. Not because I was all “Yeah Jesus! I love God and all I want to do is serve Him!” Not in the least. Instead, I felt like this (according to Christianity) incredibly flawed path I was on and flawed person I was was totally okay. I wasn’t anywhere close to where I “should” be and, for one brief moment, I was 100% okay with that — because, for a bit, I had the strongest faith that I would get “there”…eventually. I had found a belief in the process of getting there.

One of my “words” for 2015 is believe. As in, I believe I’ll achieve the goals I’ve set — one way or another, when I’m meant to do them. Which may or may not be when I want to do them. I believe I’m making the right choices — and if not, I’ll be guided towards a better path. I believe bigger and better things are out there for me (even though my life is already pretty great). I believe I’m heading in the right direction. And I believe I’m meant to ride out this journey, step by painful step.

Does that sound too…whoo-whoo, leave all things to fate? It’s not. I’m most definitely not throwing up my hands and laying down on the couch, waiting for career success and a bunch of money to drop into my bank account and the magic ability to keep my apartment clean and organized. I’m “doing the work,” as they say.

But sometimes? (A lot of times?) I’m sitting at my desk going what in hell am I supposed to do next? How will I ever land that gig? I have no idea how to do this assignment. This means I’m “saying a prayer to the gods of doing it anyway,” as (I think) Cheryl Strayed says and figuring it out.

When I’m frustrated because I’m not doing “enough” or not doing something well or well enough, it means I’m having faith that all these little tiny itty bitty baby steps I’m taking will get me to “enough” eventually. And I’m trusting that someone or being or essence or something already has it figured out for me and is guiding me through.

I’m trying to, at least. In yoga, they say “you are exactly where you need to be” a lot. And I’m working on believing that more often.