A few days before Christmas, I had a dream. Like most of my dreams, it was long and weird and rambly and I don’t remember much of it, except for one part.
I was sitting on a beach, and it was high tide and the surf was impossibly high. Massive waves rising up and crashing violently. And as I sat there, I watched one wave rise and rise and rise and suddenly realized it was going to crash over me. So I sort of turned around and curled into the fetal position, or the “get under your desk and hide from the earthquake” position every Californian learned in grade school. Somehow, doing this created a sort of air bubble that stayed intact as the wave slammed on top of me as long as I didn’t budge. So I stayed perfectly still, letting the wave crash and the water hit me.
I’m not usually one for finding symbols and meanings in dreams. Most of my dreams are just too nonsensical for me to even try to find something symbolic, and most of the time, I forget my dreams within 30 seconds of waking up (my husband, on the other hand, will come home from work and be able to tell me a 15-minute long, incredibly detailed description of a dream he had three nights ago. I have no idea which one of us is the weirdo here).
But this one, once I grasped and managed to remember that one brief moment of what was a much longer and weirder dream, was just too obvious. I had been feeling just on the edge of overwhelm for weeks, if not months, at the end of last year. I knew that, for the most part, I was appearing to be holding things together and moving forward and maybe even picking up momentum, career-wise, but really? I was just barely holding on. And eventually, the only thing that made sense was to stop and just let go of as much as I could and let it wash over me.
So I stopped blogging for the last two weeks of the year. I stopped attempting to do any “business development” tasks and just focused on the commitments and client projects I had already made. I would go to Tahoe and spend a week with family, relaxing as much as possible, and come January 4th, I’d feel refreshed and clear-headed and ready to kick 2016’s ass.
And then I got sick. Right before Christmas. Just a bad head cold, but man did it suck. I was, unfortunately, Patient Zero at the family cabin and watched as I got better and Husband and several cousins picked up the bug during the week. We went through a lot of cold meds.
Then, on January 1st, I woke up with that now all-too-familiar tickle in my throat. It progressed to a cough and the sniffles and by Sunday, I was completely back in it. I gave myself “half sick days” last week and, again, just focused on the commitments I already had. No sending out pitches to prospects or developing ideas for guest blogs. No fixing up my website (again). No working out. No blogging. I spent several nights last week sleeping — or trying to sleep between bouts of coughing up my lungs — on the couch because I felt horrible making my husband sleep with me hacking and gagging beside him. (Luckily we have a pretty comfy couch, as inexpensive couches go.)
Obviously, things could have been worse, but it really, really sucks to be sick during the first week of a new year. Instead of harnessing all that “new year” energy that’s going around, instead of making goals and plans and resolutions and charging hard towards them and amping up my workouts and eating right and trying new veggie-filled recipes, I was mostly on the couch, binging on leftover Christmas cookies, watching the last season of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
Btw, if anything, it was more depressing than watching it the first time because throughout all the random ridiculous they forced into that awful last season, you know the horrible gut-wrenching end that’s coming.
(I may need professional help.)
Anyway, I finally turned a corner of sorts on Friday and felt capable of going to Starbucks to write for a bit. I even had a beer Friday night! It was exciting because it meant I felt like I could forgo cold meds that night (I’m super paranoid about mixing meds with alcohol). And by Saturday, I felt sort or more or less ready to tackle a few “goals and resolutions” for this blog.
The biggest change: five posts a week (or six, as I attempted a few times last year) is stupid and unsustainable. At least right now, at least for the types of posts I want to write and spend time on. Especially for something that (for now) doesn’t generate any income for me. So I’m scaling back to three posts a week – my new “What the Quote” Wednesdays feature-thingie and “regular” posts on Mondays and Fridays.
The content won’t really change (rambling “diary entries” like this one, running, beer, reading, San Diego adventures and the like) but my hope, mostly, is to turn this into a space to explore ideas and have conversations. This will never be the type of blog with primarily “helpful how-to guides!” and tutorials and the posts that, you know, get page views and earn money for bloggers. And it won’t be a “look at all the cool stuff I do in my everyday life!” blog because…I just don’t do enough interesting stuff on a daily basis. Or even a weekly basis.
I thought a bit, over the past three weeks, on whether I really even wanted to keep blogging. Was it doing anything for me? Was I fighting a losing battle because I don’t want it to be my main source of income or bother with all the SEO tricks and types of content that will help it get any attention whatsoever?
But for now, I want to keep doing it. I want a place to write about the ideas and thoughts I get while walking Onyx, mostly, or talking with Husband (recent topics of conversation: how we can bring back the “well-regulated militia” bit in the 2nd Amendment, starting a professional track & field league with actual teams, and why more pro sports teams should follow the SF Giants’ and Dallas Cowboys’ models of privately-financed stadiums). I hope I can write those down in a way that others like and respond to. And I hope to start contributing to other conversations in other parts of the internet and I hope that you’ll keep reading.
The comments section and my inbox are always open.